"For Jenny"
June 15, 2012
It has been nearly two years since I first wrote this article and yet the years without my daughter continue. She is now 23 yrs old and I have not seen her since she was 11. The is not only my story, but that of many others. If I had known back then what was about to follow, I would have treasured each moment just a little longer and held on to the memories for just a little more, if that is even possible. My hope and prayers have remained the same throughout the years . . . to have her back in my life and to bring and end to this debilitating condition known as "PAS".
July 16, 2010
My name is Greg and I am a Father. Over the last 15 years I have experienced a never ending series of setbacks in what seems like a lifetime of attempts to resume a relationship with my daughter. Nothing has been successful but rather has resulted in no relationship with her. I began to wonder how many others are in this position and have experienced similar events. In late May of 2010 I sent out a request for emails and letters to any parents who were experiencing difficulties seeing their children due to the custodial parent’s interference. I submitted this request in Facebook and several newspapers across Canada and Northeast USA. To my surprise I received over 180+ responses and letters for help. I also received support and advice from others who have lived through this.
From one of the worst of situations, as in the case of David Goldberg who lost his son for many years in Brazil, to Colin Bower who's sons, Noor and Ramsey Bower and were kidnapped and remain in Egypt since 2009, to simply not seeing your children any more, the emotional and psychological impact on both the children and parent is devastating.
Though I know that the circumstances in parental child kidnapping are completely different than mine, the emotional impact on the parent left behind can be the same. I cannot express in enough words just how much this has left a huge "hole" in my life and find it even harder to accept that it might never be filled again. My daughter is the product of Parental Alienation and now seems to have no interest in ever seeing me again. Parental Alienation comes in many forms but always places the most vulnerable, the child, precisely in the middle of this disturbing behavior.
For some time now I have been gathering letters and information from others, both Fathers and Mothers alike who have been in the midst of this syndrome and wanted to write about my own experiences and that of others. There is one common denominator I have noticed in all of the responses and letters I received and that is the destructive and long lasting effects this has on the child, often into their adult years.
I have made the most of life (as we all have) and simply carry on with a positive hope for something better . . . but the wound never really heals. Now I want to write about this.
Parental Alienation - Brainwashing a child to hate a parent
About Parental Alienation
Parental alienation is a disorder that arises primarily in the context of child-custody disputes, however it can manifest long after the custody issues have been settled. Its’ primary manifestation is the child's campaign of denigration against a parent, a campaign that has no justification. It results from the combination of programming or brainwashing parents indoctrinations and the child's own contributions to the vilification of the target parent. The alienation usually extends to the non-custodial parent's family and friends as well.
This is a far more serious casualty than the divorce itself. Many children involved in divorce and custody litigation can undergo some reform or mild brainwashing by their parents. This disturbing fact is a product of the nature of divorce and the disintegration of the spousal relationship in our culture. Parental Alienation, however, is much more serious. It involves the systematic vilification by one parent of the other parent and brainwashing of the child, with the intent of alienating the child from the other parent. The process may even be somewhat unconscious on the part of the parent, but the constant barrage of negative comments and attitudes toward the other parent will convey the message that any relationship with Dad (or mom) must be bad and therefore best avoided.
One of the reasons this syndrome has flourished is likely due to the adversarial approach family court takes in deciding custody cases. Canada's family courts have tended to deal with contentious divorces by awarding sole custody to one parent, believing that joint custody is simply unworkable among ex-partners who do not get along. Now I ask you, in any contentious divorce case, do spouses “get along?” Many divorce experts, mental health professionals and child advocacy workers, have long argued that this approach encourages parental alienation by treating the children as prizes to be won or lost in bitter battle. Parental alienation used to be known as "malicious mother syndrome." But it's become more of an equal-opportunity form of emotional abuse of children over the last two decades, according to a new study of some 74 Canadian cases, which was released at a recent conference in Toronto.
In 24 of the 74 high-conflict divorce cases examined by veteran Toronto family lawyer Gene Colman, men turned their kids against their mothers, while 50 of the cases involved women alienating the kids from their fathers. Colman said the study's results confirmed for him that Canada's divorce laws need to be amended to make "equal, shared parenting" the norm in all divorce cases, except when there are extenuating circumstances such as domestic violence, mental health or other issues that make one parent clearly unfit. PAS has everything to do with who has custody; it's a crime of calculation and opportunity. Arguing about whether or not PAS is a syndrome or a mental health disorder or abuse just ties everyone up in knots while real children and real families suffer this harm. A child's fundamental right to be loved by both his and her parents is destroyed by PAS. Until very recently this illness went unchecked and only now are judges starting to tackle PAS head-on, with an increasing willingness to switch custody to the alienated parent and order the children into treatment.
Parental alienation syndrome leaves bruises deep inside
In my own case, I have often wondered just where or who I could turn to for help. After years of what seemed like a relentless barrage of court battles simply to see my daughter, I found myself weary and disillusioned with the justice system as it pertained to best interest of any child. I could not convince anyone that a very real campaign of hate was taking place against me. Most judges even scoffed at the very idea and instead lectured me on the benefits of productive co-parenting. I believe firmly in these values but how can one co-parent when the other parent is intent on vilifying him (or her)?
A mother, Pamela wrote to me with this sad reality, “As a young teenager and casualty of divorce, Dashiell, couldn’t deal with his pain any longer. In the end, it was his one tiny voice that silenced anyone who still had doubts that parental alienation is real and one of the most insidious forms of child abuse. Early one Sunday morning Dashiell opened his arms wide and threw himself off a Vancouver bridge eight years ago at the age of 16. "His death was more than I could bear" , said his mother, " and after what seemed like an eternity of Hell, I decided to do something about his death.”
His voice was brought to life at a Toronto conference by his devastated mother, Pamela Richardson, who endured a 12-year court battle with her ex-husband to try to win back the heart and mind of her son. Dash was just one tiny soldier in the growing army of children who are becoming collateral damage in bitter battles between ex-spouses that are overwhelming Canada's divorce courts.
Josh from Winnipeg writes, “I am a parent caught in the grips of parental alienation. My ex has denied me access and shared custody of my now 11 year old daughter Hailey, and has counter filed an application to terminate my parentage and guardianship rights. I am fighting to get her back...to try to be part of my daughters life again, despite now how much my ex has taught my daughter to hate me and of which has demonized who I am to my daughter. I believe all parents should have a right to see their children and in this case, I should too. My ex has deliberately put negative thoughts into my daughters head to try to get her to hate me...and now she does. This is called Parental Alienation and it is child abuse. Until our divorce I was always a huge part of my daughter’s life and her absence has now created emptiness beyond anything I have ever known. Today is my daughters birthday...she turns 11. I have not seen her since she was 5 yrs old. I want to wish my daughter Hailey a Happy birthday and pray that she will be able to share them with me again someday.”
Reading through the many letters that were sent to me for this article had brought me to tears each night. As a father who has also experienced this pain, I could feel each and every tear shed by these parents and wondered just how could anyone do this to a child? When did common sense and compassion leave itself out of the equation only to be replaced by bitterness and manipulation? My daughter is now 21 yrs old and I have not seen her since she was 11 and even though she does not want to see me; I love her dearly and often struggle daily to deal with her absence in my life. Our divorce took place back in 1992 and soon became an overwhelming “battle of the roses”. Looking back, if I could have done this another way, I likely would and should have but in a war of words, Truth is often the first casualty.
After countless court filings and literally tens of thousands of dollars fighting to retain what little access visits I had with my daughter, we arrived at a custody arrangement. I was able to see her every weekend for Friday and Saturday with alternating special holidays (like Christmas and Easter). This however was soon challenged and overturned leaving us reduced to every other weekend. While this too seemed like a workable arrangement I was often not able to see her for a multitude of flimsy excuses given to me by her mother. To compound the problem the visits became even harder when my ex-wife and new husband kept moving from city to city. At one point I would get in my car in the Abbotsford, BC area and drive non-stop for 3 or more hrs (each way) every 14 days just to maintain a relationship with her (and it was worth every mile and minute). In spite of these challenges, my daughter, Jenn and I, had a tremendous and loving father-daughter relationship and I can remember feeling so blessed that she was in my life. Her smile could light up an entire room but eventually this too was to come to an end in both of our lives.
James from Ottawa is a father who experienced such emotional trauma over the alienation of his son that he eventually lost his job. As a father he included his son in everything he did from his love of cars to the sports they shared together. “My son was the best thing that ever happened to me and his involvement with me only enriched my life to a better understanding”. When he noticed his son’s attitudes toward him were changing for no apparent reason, he thought that it was just that Nathan was getting a bit older and wanting his own space. James noticed that his son had a hostile attitude towards him and even heard him repeat negative things that he had heard his ex-wife say about him. When he tried to discuss this change of behaviour with her he was met not only with rejection but further threats of not seeing his son at all. Eventually this threat became a reality when his son, Nathan, said that he didn’t want to visit at all. Without hesitation the visits were terminated when his wife moved to the other side of the country and Nathan’s communication with his father simply became less and less. Not knowing who or where to turn for help, James simply regressed into a place where he lost interest in life. Soon after this he lost his job and found the financial burdens even harder to bear. He wrote to me with this request, “I am currently unemployed and have a child support order to fulfill monthly. Without a paycheck coming in I cannot satisfy this obligation which means possibly being before the court on a regular basis for review or losing my credit rating altogether. Does anyone know of programs that assist in helping fathers find employment to pay child support?”
More Effects of Parental Alienation Syndrome
PAS (Parental Alienation Syndrome) is such a deep rooted and integral part of many child custody disputes that it is a part of a “cluster of symptoms” that may arise. Richard A. Gardner, M.D., first introduced Parental Alienation Syndrome, or PAS, in 1985 as a way to describe what he refers to as a "cluster of symptoms" present in children who, during the process of a child-custody dispute, reject one parent as a direct result of strong, negative claims introduced by the other parent. Another notable distinction in true cases of Parental Alienation Syndrome is the idea that the child so strongly adopts the alienating parent's point of view that he or she begins to vilify the alienated parent independent of the alienating parent.
Degrees of PAS
Parents who contribute to Parental Alienation Syndrome do so to varying degrees. Mild alienation may be perpetrated by a parent who avoids conflict with the other parent and allows pent-up anger and resentment to spill over to the children. Moderate alienation may be perpetrated by a parent who is extremely angry with his or her ex-spouse, but lacks the self-control to manage his or her own behaviors. Thus, the child becomes indoctrinated in the same anger and resentment. In both mild and moderate forms, the alienators may not intend to cause harm to the child's relationship with the alienated parent and usually responds positively to education.
There are those cases of severe alienation and it is more difficult to change the alienator's behaviors. The alienating parent truly believes that the child is better off without the other parent, intentionally withholds the child from the other parent, and purposely uses his or her influence to destroy a once-positive relationship between the child and the alienated parent.
"I (Greg) awoke early one spring morning while living in Abbotsford and remember looking forward to seeing Jenn on a particularly beautiful weekend. On this day I actually enjoyed the 3.5 hour drive to the interior of BC. My anticipation and joy were soon met with disappointment and sadness upon being told that she had gone for a “sleepover” at a friend’s house and did not want to see me. I can remember the very long drive back home and was left with disillusionment and a very real feeling of loss. This was the beginning of what was to become a very shocking discovery for me. Before this event I had noticed that my daughter began to repeat what her mother had been telling her about me behind my back and now with no involvement with her, the damage was impossible to repair.
After our visits had been curtailed I tried several times to introduce a legal motion of PAS to the courts, but because this symptom was not widely accepted at the time, I had no success. With each court motion filed I had to invest not only my time, but legal costs, all the while dwindling away what little savings I had managed to hold onto after our divorce. Eventually the emotional toll and financial costs were too much for me and without warning I collapsed one day from a physical breakdown. Following that event, with my mind on everything but work, I lost my job and was soon forced into bankruptcy. This began the emotional spiral downward even further and it felt as if I was knocking on the door to the gates of hell. I can remember asking my mother “How do you get over something like this?” She replied “There are some things that you may never get over, but you just have to get on with it”. Had it not been for the loving involvement of my mother, sister, extended family and friends at the time, I might never have recovered and instead may have become another homeless statistic.
Strangely enough, while my circumstances seem to worsen, my faith seemed to become stronger and even more resolved to once again be a father to my daughter, the father that I was once honored to be. I began to open up regular communication with Jenn, even though we could not see each other. It was obvious that Jenn loved her father and the only emotional trauma she was experiencing was the very real indoctrination of negativity that she was hearing about me.
Over the years of my often tumultuous marriage and eventual divorce, we had overcome some tremendous struggles. What was about to happen early in our marriage however was nothing I could have prepared for. Just 11 months prior to the birth of our second baby girl, we lost our first born at birth. How do you prepare for something like this? For most of my adult life I had wanted to be a father and now here we were with the loss of our firstborn daughter. Our child was a full term baby girl who had gone into shock during childbirth resulting in her death. There are no words to describe this emptiness, this confusion, and yet life carried on.
While many marriages had overcome tragedies like this, my wife never seemed to fully recover from our daughter’s death and rarely wanted to talk about it. I can fully understand her difficulties in dealing with this horror, as much as any man could relate to something like this I suppose. What an emptiness she must have felt now after carrying so much “living hope” inside of her for over 9 months. I can remember returning home that morning and thinking that even the sunrise seemed out of place. How could the world just carry on . . . how could we just carry on? We returned home that morning and wept on what is still the sadness day of my life 22 years later. Our sadness was soon replaced with joy and celebration as my wife discovered that once again, she was expecting. Here we were with what seemed like a mere few weeks after our baby girl’s death and we were about to be blessed once again. It is my conclusion that something changed inside my wife and her joy soon turned to fear. Just 16 weeks into her pregnancy, she experienced more problems. “Not again, Please God, Not Again!” I can remember saying and began pleading with God to spare her.
The inner walls of her uterus had begun to tear and we were advised by two pediatric specialists that our child only a 50/50 chance of surviving and to prepare for the worst. It seemed to me that a negative attitude and filling our minds with thoughts of even more death was the last thing that we needed. Now I have never been a particularly religious man, but I am a very spiritual person and believe soundly in the promises of Faith. From the moment we were given the prognosis, I refused to believe that this child would die. I immediately fell to my knees and prayed fervently and encouraged everyone else who believed to do the same. Not once, did I ever accept the notion that this child would not live!
For one of the first times in my life I honestly believe that our prayers and my firm resolve that she would not die, resulted in a miracle. In the 26th week a thorough examination showed not only had the uterus repaired itself, but also showed no signs of ever having torn in the first place. By the 38th week my happiness was fully complete when they handed me my beautiful baby daughter. All that we could say was that “She’s healthy and alive!” My world was now complete and never again would I have to wish that I could be a father, I was a father! This was one of the happiest moments of my life".
Diane from Vancouver had experienced PAS that was brought on with a false accusation of sexual abuse. What may come as a surprise is that the person accused in this case was the mother. She wrote “I was wrongfully accused of abusing my four year old son by my ex husband who had abused me. Due to his false allegations my children were taken from me via court order and I had no contact with my four and five year old son and daughter for months. It was devastating. During this time I was ordered to go through parenting classes and found that there were others who were abused women going through the same thing, in which their ex husbands were using the system to alienate them from their children. I have written child protective services and several advocacy groups relating to this situation. I do have regular visits now with the kids, but they have been told things against me to sabotage my relationship with them. I'm seeking resources to help my kids to understand what has happened and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to help make people aware that the system has to change so that they can stop revictimizing women and wrongfully separating their children from their parents”.
It seems apparent that the method of using sexual abuse as an excuse for PAS is one of the more common methods used by both men and women alike. It preys on the most vulnerable (the child) and immediately sets up a scenario for both psychological and legal intervention. What was once a loving relationship has now been stigmatized by the false allegation and further traumatized by the legal process that will determine the nature of the allegation eventually. This allows the controlling parent (the one initiating the alienation) even more control and seems to feed the abusive behavior even further. PAS is most evident in people with sociopathic and/or narcissistic behavior, but is not exclusive to these personality types. Rarely are there any legal repercussions following this false allegation, but always there is the long term negative effects on both the child and parent falsely accused.
PAS also affects the extended family of the non custodial parent. Grandparents have long rallied that in denying visits to the divorced parent, they too cannot see their grandchild. Maggie, a grandmother from Calgary, Alberta wrote, “I am a grandmother that had to fight for access. My son only gets to see his two girls when I have them through my access order. His wife interfered to such a degree that even though he had won the right to see his child, she made it so difficult that it rarely worked out that way. Presently the other grandmother has an exparte motion because her daughter was charged with three counts of assault on the children. Now my access too has been denied by the other grandmother.”
One of the most eloquent and well stated letters that I received was from Geoffrey Manning a father in Toronto. He not only stated the problem he was experiencing but summed up the entire legal conundrum. “Today, I am held hostage by our legal system and forced to sit back and watch the relationship with my daughter’s forcibly destroyed. An expert on Children’s Rights stated,
“The impact these judicial decisions have on the lives of all concerned cannot be overestimated. Childhood passes rapidly and it quickly becomes too late to un-ring the bell. Expanded visitation or joint custody may seem unimportant, but only to those who have never experienced the hollow time of forced separation. No human bond is of greater strength than that of parent and child.”
"My daughters have already lost two years of irreplaceable fatherhood and have suffered irreparable injury and harm. All I want is to be the best Dad that I can be. To love and support my children and family and to enjoy life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. I will not give up my inalienable right to be a parent; to the care, custody, control and companionship of my offspring. What is it going to take for my daughters to get there father back in their lives before it is too late?”
Some help for both children and parents who suffer
You may begin to wonder exactly what can you do if you suspect that you and your child are victims of PAS. Here are a few things that you can do:
Parents who suspect PAS, or Parental Alienation Syndrome, must take action to prevent further damage to their relationship with their children, while also working to document and report the behaviors which limit their access to their own children. In particular, victims of PAS should:
Continue to do everything that you can to maintain your relationship with your child. Even if you suspect that your ex is intentionally creating PAS, continue to call your child and attempt to adhere to the agreed upon visitation schedule. Even if your ex is withholding visitations, do not allow him or her to claim you are making no effort to see your child.
Do not blame your child. Separate your child's actions, which are hurtful, from the child himself. What is happening is not your child's fault. He or she did not initiate or cause what is happening. As frustrated as you may feel, it is critical that you do not take your frustrations out on your child in any way.
Document, document, document. Keep a detailed record of the behaviors you associate with PAS, as well as all cancelled visits and missed phone calls. Share this information with your lawyer if possible.
Consider working with a mental health professional. It is imperative that you work through your own feelings about what is happening. A qualified professional can provide you with necessary tools for mediating the effects of PAS and restoring your relationship with your child.
Keep a journal of writings to your child. If contact with your child has been completely cut off, consider keeping a journal of letters to him or her, with the hope of sharing them in the years to come. This can be extremely therapeutic and healing for you, and it also provides your child with some documentation of your continued love even during times when you were kept apart. You may not be able to change what is happening in the present, but keeping a journal of letters would allow your child to be able to look back later, as an adult, and see the situation from your point of view. A lot of healing awareness can come from that.
Never give up hope. Right now you feel like your relationship with your child has been stolen from you and the future is out of your control. However, your child will eventually have the opportunity to think for themselves. In the meantime, you must continue to be a person of integrity and do what you can to keep the lines of communication open, firmly believing that when your child begins to question all that he or she has been taught to think, you will have the opportunity to share your perspective.
Final Thoughts
As I close this article I want to thank the many parents who shared their stories and sorrows with me. I began this article in part as a way to bring greater knowledge to this form of child abuse, but also in writing it I found that in sharing with others there is always a hope, a common thread that binds us all. While the problem of PAS may never disappear, it is my desire and prayer that at least a greater awareness of the issues will help to bring about greater changes to the current adversarial approach to custody arrangements during divorce. My heart goes out to any parents and children who have suffered the stigmatizing effects of PAS. I don't know if you can die of a broken heart, but I do know it can feel as if you have. And though I understand that adversity builds character and that no-one can live their life without pain, it does not make it hurt . . . any less. But to all of you, do not give up because eventually all of the pain and suffering you have experienced will one day be the door that justice will once again walk, and you will resume being the loving parent you have always been.
Finally it is worth repeating the summary of Jonathan Baker, child psychologist and PAS activist from Montreal.
“The impact these judicial decisions have on the lives of all concerned cannot be overestimated. Childhood passes rapidly and it quickly becomes too late to un-ring the bell. Expanded visitation or joint custody may seem unimportant, but only to those who have never experienced the hollow time of forced separation. No human bond is of greater strength than that of parent and child.”
If I could have one wish, it would be of course to be reunited with my daughter Jennifer and resume being the loving father I once was. If I could get one message to her it would be that I am still here and from the bottom of my heart, I am here with my arms opened wide to you. From the moment I first held you as a newborn and felt your first heartbeat, I knew that you had taken mine. Even though you are now a young adult, you will always be my little girl and always, always hold that special place in my heart . . . that space I have saved for YOU!
"I have reached beyond the broken ties that bind and endevoured to find a way that will unite all of us and end this abuse. This is my Hope".
“For the Hope that lives in all of us”
Greg Riggs
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